My Thoughts
Saturday, May 29, 2004
Well, I am not sure where I will be going with this.
I am just typing feeling kinda emotional...
wishing it wasn't so late so I could call someone !!!
This may seem silly or maybe it is just a mom thing.
My nephew who is a little older than Christopher (C.J.) was spending the night tonight.
Well, him being 6 decided that he wanted to go home.
That threw Chris into a frenzy.
He was absolutely hysterical.
Just sobbing and saying......
He's mad at me.
He's not gonna be my friend.
He doesn't like me.
Oh man, it ripped my heart out. I tried to reassure him.
I admit that I was crying (trying to do my best to conceal it).
Which I think I did because he was asleep before Terrell left.
It would not have been so bad, but these 2 little guys have a strained relationship.
Chris idolizes Terrell and Terrell thinks that Chris is a pain.
Typical stuff when you have kids a couple years apart.
I just wish that I would have realized how normal both of their reactions were quicker.
I guess I will be more prepared next time huh?
I wonder if you ever can be prepared for your childs heartaches.
Does it get easier?
I know that maybe some of you are thinking I am a baby or psycho ...
and all I can say is...
Whatever......
because this is who I am.
Tuesday, May 25, 2004
The Christian Days - Part 3
In Febuary of 1997 Mark's mom passed away. It was sad. She had been sick for a while. He seemed to do pretty well with it.
During this time I was trying to help my oldest brother get sober again.
We had gotten sober together in 1990 and he had decided to drink again.
It broke my heart.
I was the one he always called to ramble on to when he was drunk.
I would listen. I was not getting much sleep.
We went through many detoxes with him and try to have him committed into a mental hospital.
Nothing worked.
Well, as most of you know he died on August 25, 1997.
I was able to lead him to the Lord pretty much right before he went into a coma.
While he was in the coma his heart rate and stuff would respond when I talked to him or sang to him.
I think that gave me a lot of strength during those long days.
It helped to know that it was making a difference.
When he died I was just devastated.
I kept thinking he didn't love me enough to quit.
I know that God was taking care of me though because when he did pass away Mark was at work and my best friend happened to be there visiting me.
She was such a blessing through the whole ordeal.
It is kinda difficult to put into words what it was like.
I just remember being so angry on the way home from the hospital that I wanted to put my foot through the dashboard of my car.
Then I was just incredibally sad.
I guess the wierdest thing is that I really wanted to drink even though that is what killed him. I am so grateful that the Holy Spirit allowed me to see the insanity of that.
It was really hard.
I just wanted the pain to stop.
I had dreams about him constantly for a long time.
Time has made it easier, but the pain is still there.
I have times where the saddness just rushes in like a flood.
It doesn't matter how, where or whatever.....
it just happens.
It is hardest when there are things in life that I want to share with him.
My house....
My kids.......
That is when I get really sad.
I guess there will always be a part of me missing.
to be continued.............
Wednesday, May 12, 2004
The Christian Days- Part 2
I am feeling like there is more I need to say
about the not being able to have kids,
but I can't quite put my finger on it.
It just was an extremely bad time in my life.
I thought (and still do sometimes think) that Mark deserved better.
He is from a big family and I believed with all my heart that he would make a wonderful father.
Why should he be cheated of that....it wasn't fair to him.
Never mind me.
I was pushing away from God. I felt very lonely and depressed.
It seemed like nobody understood what I was going through.
People seemed to act like it was no big deal.
I felt like the world was crashing in on me.
During this time I almost called off the wedding.
Not because of the kid thing, but because of some stuff between Mark and I.
All I can really say about it is that it was very hard for me to forgive and move on.
We ended up working it out and got married August 26, 1995.
I have to tell you it was a crazy day ! !
Just conflicts in my family going on that were really getting to me.
However, I was very happy to be married to my husband.
Shortly after we were married I started taking an anti-depressant.
It seemed to really help.
I didn't really like be on it, but it beat the alternative.
About 6 months after we were married my mom moved in with us.
We were newlyweds living in a 2 bedroom apartment,
so it basically SUCKED!!!
Needless to say there were a lot of fights.
We all ended up moving back to my mom's house.
She is a very condemming person.
She would always be on us about church etc.....
At this point we were searching for a church we were comfortable with.
We had tried her church and we were kinda turned off by it.
stay tuned.........
Tuesday, May 11, 2004
Well, there is someone who wants to hear the rest of my story
so here goes.
The Christian Days- Part 1
After being sober about a year or I started dating this guy Tim
He wasn't a Christian. It was very hard for me because I had
started going to church and doing Bible studies. It was another
rocky relationship. We moved in together and things got worse.
I was also straying from the Lord (obviously). I really don't
know how to explain it, except that we were really messed up.
Tim had 2 sons from previous marriages. I liked that because by
this time I had a good idea that I wasn't going to be able to have
biological children. I started to get close to his oldest son. We
really loved each other a lot.
Tim and I got engaged. Things started to get physical. I left
him. It was very hard. Mostly because of his son. I did get to see
him one time after we broke up. That was good and hard at the
same time. The break up consisted of a few situations with the
police. It was not pretty. I was a mess. I couldn't eat. I
ended up weighing 93 lbs.
A few months later I met Mark. We met through a mutually
friend. She really pushed for us to hook up, but we both had just
gotten out of bad relationships. I was already seeing an old
boyfriend. Mark and I spent time together at an AA picnic. We
talked non stop about everything for like 2 hours. I knew he was
the type of guy I wanted. I went home and broke up with the
other guy.
In the mean time Tim had started going out with my best friend.
It was very upsetting to me. I was very angry. I started to push Mark
away. I had to do a lot of soul searching and growing up in this
time. I had to learn how to have a normal relationship. If
there is such a thing.
By the way, Mark was unsaved when we met. He was saved a little
bit after we moved in together. What a powerful day that was. I
was so emotional I couldn't even pray with him.
People at the church we were going to seemed to be sort of
judgmental about us living together. It pretty much turned
me off of church for a while.
We got engaged in January of 1994. He actually got on his
knees !!!! I was SO happy.
After we were engaged I found out I have Turners Syndrome. It is
a genetic disorder. I am missing a chromosome. It was such a
devastating thing for me. I was EXTREMELY mad at God. All I
ever wanted was kids and a family. I pushed Mark away. He
stuck with me through it all though.
I was having a really hard time functioning. I couldn't even
fold laundry without crying.
Monday, May 10, 2004
We are back from court.
The trail was continued because Eternity's bio mom (Cassandra) didn't show.
It is continued until June 22nd,
which means there will be 6 more visits.
I just wanted to share with you that God has been working on my heart
in regards to Cassandra.
Through prayer and my wonderful husband He has reålly been
showing me how insensitive and mean I have been regarding her.
The situation is very sad and I need to remember that she is a hurting soul.
It won't be easy, but God will sustain me through it.
I know that I am His and that He is my Rock !!!
Sunday, May 09, 2004
Tomorrow is the big day. Well, probably today by the time you all read this.
Court starts at 10:30.
I am confident that it will go well, but I am asking for prayers
anyway.
I am a LITTLE nervous !!
I think I am more nervous about having to ake Eternity.
Last time it was very hard on her to be with us and her bio mom.
I thank you in advance for your prayers .
I will let ya know tomorrow how it went.
Friday, May 07, 2004
Well, I have to tell ya all the visit was cancelled.
Eternity's biological mom got kicked off the train for praising the Lord.
I can't help, but find that humorous !!
God is sooo good!
I can't wait to see what He does with the job thing !!
I am so excited about it !!!
Thursday, May 06, 2004
I have a couple prayer requests....
The day job offer Mark had has been withdrawn at this point.
They are not busy enough for him.
Eternity has a 2 hours visit with her biological mom tomorrow.
It will be supervised. They are going to Chuck E. Cheese.
This is making me very concerned.
They have never gone there before and I am wondering
why all of a sudden right before court are they?
I am thinking that it would be kinda easy for Cassandra too try to take her.
Please be praying for Eternity's safety and my peace of mind and wisdom.
Also, we have court on Monday for Eternity. Please continue to keep that in your prayers.
Thanks my friends- I love ya !!!
Tuesday, May 04, 2004
Part 4
After being sober a couple months I did a 4th step. This is a searching and fearless moral invenory of ourselves. I then shared this with God and my sponsor. I felt so awful and ashamed of my life. My sponsor knew that I still felt bad and asked if I believed that Jesus died for "our" sins. I said yes, but I didn't believe that Jesus died for my sins. She told me that I didn't do anything so horrible that God wouldn't forgive me. I wasn't so sure. Driving in the car afterwards I just started crying and asking Jesus to forgive me and to be with me and help me to be better. I didn't even realize how much that would change my life.
I started reading the Bible and going to church. I still felt kinda lost though. The church was huge and I wasn't making any connections.
In early December of 1990 I contacted my biological father. I was terrified to call, but God saw me through. I found out 3 very important things in that first phone call.
1. My father was sober and had been for many years.
2. I learned that 2 weeks before Christmas 1989 my half-sister Sandy committed suicide. That was hard to take. I would never have the opportunity to meet her. I was pretty mad at God for that one. I thought that He surely could have and should have saved her.
3. Laurie my other half-sister was heavy into drugs. My father had not seen or heard from her in 9 years. That was a bit of a shock too (not sure why it was such a shock today). I still hope and pray the alcoholism hasn't not and will not take her life and that she will get sober. Maybe we will even meet someday.
Between then and October when I went on a retreat my realationship with God improved. I was still feeling a bit lost and lonely. At the retreaat the power of the Holy Spirit was incredible. The love was awesome. Since that weekend I have had my share of problems. I have remembered more sexual abuse from other brothers. i have lost friends because of my newly found belief in Jesus. I have gotten through it all with a renewed Spirit. I know today that I am not alone as long as I ask for help.
Psalm 143 vs. 10
Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God.
May Your good Spirit lead me on level ground.
Well, that is the end of what I had already written. At this point I am still praying about whether or not to continue with more of my life story after this point.
I have to tell you that this was totally freeing. I feel a huge release. I am still kinda shocked that I shared this on the world wide web, but I really think it is what God wanted. Thank you guys for loving me despite my past !!!! Thank you Jesus for taking it all away.
Monday, May 03, 2004
Part 3
We both got jobs pretty quickly so Bob's dad sent us the money to get an apartment. Things were going great. We really thought that we were gonna make it. We soon made friends and started to do drugs again. We fought so much that I decided to come home for a month. We didn't talk much during this time. I saw all my old friends and partied.
During this seperation from Bob I was unfaithful again. This time I really didn't feel bad about what I was doing. I really believed that he was being unfaithful too. When I went back to California things got worse. We fought a lot and Bob became physically abusive. I started to believe that I deserved his abuse. A month after I returned friends of ours were killed in a motorcylce accident. What a shock. We didn't know what to do except drink and use drugs to numb the pain. I spent a lot of time with the guy that lived with them. He was a mess after the accident and I wanted to help him. Bob thought that we were fooling around, which we weren't. I couldn't blame him though, because of the past and the fact that our relationship was going down hill fast. We fought about it a lot. We were also having difficulty holding down jobs. So, we just slept, ate and did a lot of drugs. In order to live this way we had to pull scams. We finally got caught and were arrested. I was let off. Bob spent 5 days in jail. I was faithful this time.
The day after Bob was arrested we received an eviction notice. The day after that I found out that Bob's dad was flying out. I had been awake since Bob was arrested and was very incoherent. On the way home form a payphone I hit a teenage boy on a bike. He was fine, but I was hysterical. My life was a disaster. Bob's father and I went to go visit him in jail the next day. While we were waiting to see him we notice a pregnant women with 2 small kids in tow. Bob's dad turned to me and asked me if that is what I wanted for me and my children. I started crying and said no. I tiold Bob during the visit I wanted the drinking and drugging to stop. He agreed. I called my mom and told her I was a drug addict. She was devastated. So was I. We made all the preperations to leave California when Bob got out of jail. Before we left on our trip we were searching for drugs, just to keep us awake. We came home in November of 1987 and stayed with my step-dad.
Christmas Day the year my relationship with Bob ended. We were fighting and I was fed up. I wanted him out. I was too scared to stay with him anymore. I called the police when he wouldn't leave. When they arrived at my step-dad's house Bob tried to pull me down the stairs so they wouldn't see us. I screamed and the police broke down the door. Bob was arrested on an outstanding warrant. We tried to make it work a couple of times after that, but it was no use. It was over.
1 Cor. 13 vs. 4-7
Love is patient;
Love is kind;
It does not envy,
It does not boast,
It is not proud,
It is not rude,
It is not self-seeking,
It is not easily angered,
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil,
but rejoices in the truth.
It always protects,
always trusts,
always hopes,
always perseveres.
I tried to take this opportunity to improve my life. I had been depressed for about a month after the break up and had to do something. I went to Harper Jr. College. I only passed 1 out of 4 classes. I was to busy going to bars and sleeping with men to concentrate on school or work. In september of 1988 I was in a very bad car accident due to drinking. It was the first time I believed that God wanted me alive and was looking out for me. I really didn't understand it. It was not only a miracle that nobody was hurt, but that I didn't get a D.U.I. either. i had the feeling that no matter what happened God would take care of me.
The accident still did not keep me from drinking and driving. I just wouldn't give up. In January I did get a D.U.I. and I still continued to drink and drive. Getting the D.U.I. did scare me. I had never gotten into any legal trouble before.
My mom was constantly telling me to go to Alcoholics Anonymous. Finally I did. I was sober on and off for the next year and a half. My last drink or drug was September 3, 1990. I had finally realized I didn't have a choice if I was going to live. It was really hard to quit, but I knew it was what God wanted.
Psalm 116 vs. 1-6
I love the Lord, for He heard my voice;
he heard my cry for mercy.
Because He turned his ear to me,
I will call on Him for as long as I live.
The cords of death endangled,
the anguish of the grave came upon me;
I was overcome bty trouble and sorrow.
Then I called on the name of the Lord;
"O Lord save me !"
the Lord is gracious and righteous;
our God is full of compassion.
The Lord protects the simple hearted;
when I was in great need,
He saved me.
To be continued..........
Saturday, May 01, 2004
Part 2
The summer of 1980 my brother Steve got married. I got totally drunk at the wedding reception. At the end of the night there was a huge scene because of it. I felt like I had ruined everything.
Phillipians 1 vs. 6
Being confident of this, that he who started works in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Jesus Christ.
In high school things proceeded to get worse. I was continuously high. I barely remember my freshman year. My grades were awful. In my sophmore year my brother Michawl got a divorce and moved back home. He brought his 2 year old daughter with him. it was very hard on me because I was very close to my sister-in-law. MY niece was a handful and I took care of her a lot. I felt bad that she didn't have her mother. I was VERY confused and VERY unhappy. I decided to run away. I wasn't gone very long. I talked to my niece on the phone and knew that I had to go home to her.
On Christamas Eve 1982 my mother had a nervous breakdown. I was so scared that she was gonna die. We all thought that she was having a heart attack. It was so hard to see her so vulnerable. I was 16 years old and didn't know how to handle this crisis. None of us knew how to cope. We did what we always did before she got home- We got high.
It was soon after that I moved in with a friend. I partied a lot. During that time I had sex for the first time. It wa awful. I was so ashamed. The circumstances weren't right at all. I felt very cheap and was sure God hated me because of it.
After that there was lots of parties and boys. I was always moving in and out of my mom's house. In my senior year I was forced to drop out of school because of truancies. I was working 2 jobs to pay rent at my mom's and buy drugs. My life was horrible.
A few people in and out of my family we bugging me to go back to go school and finish. The semester I did. I worked very hard to graduate a semester late. I was very peoud of myself. I was sure my life was going to be better than it had been.
A few months after I finish school I met Bob. We thought that we were in love. Shortly after I relationship began Bob went to jail for 3 months. I was a wreck. I couldn't work. All I did was eat and sleep. I did go back to work and back to drinking. I wasn't faithful to Bob, as I had promised. At 19 years old I didn't understand the extent of the commitment I had made. I was so miserable. i attempted suicide. I felt so bad for what I was doing to him when I loved him so much. i was confused. I didn't understand why I was doing this. I wanted help, but didn't know where to turn. I truly believed that God was so mad at me for what I was doing that He wouldn't help me.
Things were really rough when Bob got out of jail. He knew I had cheated on him and we fought a lot. We were drunk most of the time.
I was in therapy at this time and memories were coming back of being sexually abused by one of my brothers. My world was turned upside down once again. It was jsut a year before this that I found out that my neighbor had sexually abused me when i was 3 years old. I also found out that my brother was shooting herion. I was a complete mess !!!
One night in a drunken rage I told my mom that my brother had abused me and that he was a junkie. It was a nightmare. I felt very scared and alone. This time I didn't even think about turning to God.
Bob was having legal problems and we both were having trouble at home so after going through a bunch of money we decided to take off to California, with $52.00. We made it to Tulsa, Oklahoma when we ran out of money. We lied to our parents and his dad sent us money to continue on our journey. We lived in my car for about a month or two when we got to L.A.
More tomorrow.......
